Reflections From the Heart

October 2, 2015 · 9:44 AM

When it Hurts to No End

“I haven’t thought about suicide in a long time. I’m thinking about it now. I feel very dumb. I feel like a midget in a world full of giants. Giant successful CEOs, athletes that think quick on their feet, good-looking men and woman who have the gift of conversation and looking good while doing it. I am a midget, and I can barely make a sentence sound intelligent. I am short with no special talents that will make me any money. When I am in complete despair with not a single positive springing care, I choose to end it. I don’t think it is selfish. Depression is a pain unlike any other. It’s like a black hole in the middle of your body, slowly sucking in your body parts from the inside out. Eventually, your chest and your abdomen hurt like there’s nothing in there. I imagine an open casket viewing …”

“Not much makeup, but I want to blush so I look alive. I haven’t looked ‘alive’ for some time. My blonde curls pinned up with little white flowers sprinkled about them. My three favorite rings. Minimal jewelry, as I have always been. I have a bouquet of flowers in my closed hands. Big beautiful calla lilies, white mums, and miniature white roses. I love green plants more than flowers, so there are eucalyptus and ferns within the flowers, and there are multiple trailing vines flowing out of the bouquet. I am in a sweet little girl’s white dress with eyelet embellishments. The dress has cap sleeves and a boat neck. The skirt ends just above my ankles, showing my tattoos. I am barefoot with no toenail polish. I love to be barefoot and feel I should go that way. Hardly any makeup, very little jewelry, and no shoes. That is me, and that is the way I want to go. Where I can finally rest and the hurt ends.”

(The above message was printed with permission by a family member.)

Note: I am saddened to say, the above message was sent a week before a beautiful soul fatally chose to end her life. She leaves behind family members: a loving and grieving mother, father, sister, brother, grandparents, aunts, uncles, nephews, cousins, and a devoted boyfriend who had found her on that tragic day. All are left with unanswered questions, blame, guilt, and deep sorrow. As I pray for this entire family, I am heartbroken. As a mother myself, this sadness knows no bounds.

September was National Suicide Prevention Month. Not all disabilities are visible. Why do most of us suffer in silence? Having suicidal thoughts does not mean someone is weak or flawed. We all have meltdown periods. I’m sure we’ve all felt hopeless before, and we all know what it’s like to walk under a dark cloud – it can happen to anyone, regardless of age, gender, race, or social status.

Please be mindful of those around you. Don’t take your loved ones for granted. Will you reach out to those you hold dear? Will you let them know that they are loved and that you appreciate them in your lives? Hold on to the moment. Some no longer have that privilege.

https://www.drugrehab.com/guides/suicide-risks/

27 Comments

Filed under Suicide Awareness, Suicide Prevention

Tagged as advocate, community support, Danny Gokey, depression, health, recovery, suicide awareness, suicide prevention, wellness

September 30, 2015 · 11:44 PM

Hail to the Queen!

I attended Houston Writers Guild’s first IndieFest Conference, “Indiepalooza” this past weekend. With Indie-Publishing becoming more and more popular, this event provided vital tools and information in phases throughout the self-publishing process. The two-day conference featured guest speakers, authors, and a panel of industry experts. I couldn’t take notes fast enough! I am happy to report that this will be an annual event.

One special moment for me was finally meeting Kathy L. Murphy, a licensed cosmetologist and avid reader, who opened a beauty and bookstore called Beauty and the Book in early 2000. Eventually, she started a book club for women who enjoy reading and have fun. Pulpwood Queens became the name of her club. Today, the Tiara-wearing Pulpwood Queen, Kathy, presides over nearly 600 book clubs, and she is now a published author. In 2008, Grand Central Publishing released her book, “The Pulpwood Queens’ Tiara-Wearing, Book-Sharing Guide to Life.” It not only sold well, but I hear there’s also a movie in the making from Dream Worlds!

As an author, whether you decide to publish the traditional route or the self-publishing route, here are some takeaways I jotted down from Kathy’s presentation Saturday night:

You have to know how to present yourself. Get a look! Be kind to everyone. Never burn a bridge. Never be so busy that you can’t autograph someone’s book.

Kathy’s recap (with permission) is as follows:

1) Finish your book before submitting it to anyone, and that means having a clean, well-written copy that has been edited and is free of mistakes. I don’t want anyone calling me to tell me about their book that they haven’t finished, or as an author, have anyone calling me to say that my publisher misspelled Ruston, Louisiana.

2) Create a look and brand yourself as a professional author. For me, it’s big hair, Tiaras, and leopard print, my Pulpwood Queen signature look. It’s hard to forget someone if they look the part. Dress for success. Men wear killer suits, and women create their own signature styles. No gift was ever as happily received as one that is magnificently wrapped. No matter how great the gift, if it comes in a Walmart bag, well, there is not much enthusiasm.

3) Gather your tribe. Friends, family, clients, and network people. Since I started my Pulpwood Queens Book Club, that’s a given, but I am also a member of The First United Methodist Church and Rotary International, so I let them know that I have a book and will speak. But don’t limit yourself there, area book clubs have the best word of mouth, (which is to me, STILL, the best advertising in the world. Free program = big book sales.

4) Think outside of the bookselling box. If you wrote a book on underwater basket weaving, well, for goodness’ sake, contact YMCA’s, swim clubs, basket weavers, and craft shops. Volunteer to give a demonstration, and then send out a press release announcing the event. If you don’t have a media list, take a day to contact every newspaper, radio station, and email blogger to gather their contact information for press releases. Hmm, that’s how I did it, and it worked. And if they don’t respond to your press release, follow up with a personal phone call. Be polite, and don’t burn bridges. They may not choose to feature you this time, but The Wall Street Journal calls me now periodically for quotes.

5) BONUS TIP! If you have a secret talent, share that talent. On my Beauty and the Book Show, you can watch all twelve on YouTube.com. I asked authors to share if they had a secret talent. A fire baton twirler can say all the President’s names in under a minute, you name it! The audience loved those moments, making you stand out from the million book authors published a year and having some big-time fun while you are doing it!

And there you have it, great tidbits from the queen herself! Overall, it was a great conference.

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“Oh, hail Queen Kathy!”

From Pain to Purpose: Inspiring Self-Improvement

A couple of weeks ago, I was asked to give a presentation on self-esteem at a local women’s shelter. As I have been training to become a certified sexual assault advocate, I was delighted and agreed to speak to the group of ladies and give a one-hour presentation. I titled it “Phenomenal, Beautiful You.” I gave that presentation today.

Now due to numerous reasons and past experiences, I myself struggle with low self-esteem. I still find specific tasks difficult, uncomfortable, or challenging. So, everything I shared with the ladies today was really for myself. Sometimes, we just need to speak words of affirmation to ourselves. I let those precious ladies know I am just like them, only now, sitting on the opposite side of the table. However, not without being well acquainted with the struggles that they face. I shared my story, and my insecurities, and spoke about what the definition of insanity is: Doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results. Here is one of the quotes that I printed out on cardstock for each lady to take:

When you change your thinking, you change your belief;
When you change your beliefs, you change you expectations;
When you change your expectations, you change your attitude;
When you change your attitude, you change your behavior;
When you change your behavior, you change your performance;
When you change your performance, you change your life.

This is the kicker to today’s event – today would have been my sister’s birthday, had she not passed away after being struck down by a hit-and-run driver, some 40+ years ago! I was a lonely, neglected child. But when my sister was born, I took care of her from early on. Many times, it was just the two of us while our parents were gone. But I didn’t mind. It was better to do things together than to do them alone. I promised to love and care for her forever. When tragedy struck, she was only two. How do you think this nine-year-old big sister felt at the time? Do you think she struggled with self-esteem, insecurities, and self-doubt for the majority of her life? Yeah, you can say that all right. And I will continue to work on it.

I share my experiences because it is possible to make a difference in this world. Just like my pastor says: If you have a pulse, you have a purpose! Today’s message was well received, and the hour flew by quickly. Afterward, no one wanted to stop chatting and visiting with me. They felt inspired. In the end, they knew I was one of them, but also an overcomer.

When I look back on my life, I see pain, mistakes, and heartache. When I look in the mirror, I see strength, learned lessons and pride in myself.

17 Comments

Filed under Self-Esteem Presentation

Tagged as affirmation, behavior, memoir, obstacles, self-esteem, self-worth, struggles, survivor

September 16, 2015 · 9:17 AM

REVIEW: Running in Heels by Mary A. Perez

I thank Heidi for her warm and heartfelt caption to “Running In Heels”.

My hope and desire is for others to know that no matter what they’re going through, they are never alone nor have to be ashamed of their pain. We all have a story and may more of us come to understanding that some things are not necessarily a “quick-fix” event in getting out of a hell hole, but it is more of a process.

Inkorkeys

Running in Heels jumps from one anecdotal incident to another, opening with Mary’s mother and then boyfriend stealing Mary and her older brother from daycare…

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I’ll Never Forget 9/11

I imagine most of us remember where we were or what we were doing on September 11th, 2001.

Around 7:50 a.m. while driving to work, the morning newscast blared over the radio that a plane had crashed into the World Trade Center in New York. As soon as I arrived at the office, I ran in and flicked on the TV to see the live broadcast of a massive hole in one of the towers caused by the plane’s impact minutes before. As fellow co-workers gathered in the small conference room, we couldn’t peel our eyes away from the screen. Black smoke billowed out of the building, soon engulfed by flames.

We heard what our ears didn’t want to hear and continued to see images that will forever be etched in our minds. My insides plummeted as I saw a second plane hit the other tower. Buildings collapsed minutes later, and we all gasped in horror, knowing that hundreds—thousands—lost their lives.

My heart went out to those who lost loved ones on that fatal day.

That same evening, President Bush spoke powerful words: “Freedom itself was attacked this morning by a faceless coward, and freedom will be defended.”

Freedom isn’t free, I thought, and freedom is worth any cost.

(Excerpt from “Running in Heels: A Memoir of Grit and Grace,” chapter 43.)

May our presidents keep us free from terror, both at home and abroad.
May Almighty God keep us safe and secure in our hearts and in our homes.

photo credit: inktheworld.blogspot.com

7 Comments

Filed under Remembering 9/11/2001

Tagged as 911, freedom, memoir, Musing, September 11th, social, tradegy, Twin Towers, World Trade Center

August 26, 2015 · 1:00 AM

Ageless!

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Age. Aging. Ageless.

I rarely think about my age, but my body has a way of reminding me whenever I throw my back out or my knee pops. And yes, in the mirror I sometimes notice an extra line here, another wrinkle there, and as I gaze upon certain areas of my physique, I find myself wondering, where did “it” go, and when did “that” change?

From time to time, I muse about my early years in having to grow up so quickly, and then in my teens and young adulthood, when I raised four children. Next thing I knew, my twenties were gone, and my marriage was deteriorating. Divorced in my thirties (I felt like a failure, but ya know, the world did not end), and remarried by my mid-thirties (thank God for new beginnings). I can shout from the rooftop that no marriage is so good that it can’t be made better! (You see, I’ve been married most of my life.) Then, when I approached my early forties, the seasons changed again for me, this time, embracing the wonders of grand-parenting.

So, in my fifties, as I reflect on this aging process—knowing I certainly don’t have all the answers—I’ve learned a thing or two about what life has dealt me.

I read in Psalms 90:12: “So teach us to number our days, that we may apply our hearts to wisdom.” This passage speaks to me and tells me to make each day count. I must remember to live in the present, not in the yesteryears or in the tomorrows. I must laugh often, love deeply, pray sincerely, and believe that my best days are before me.

As my birthday quickly approaches around the corner (like tomorrow, the 27th), I can’t help but think: have I done all I ever wanted to do? Of course, the answer is a resounding: Not even close. Am I running out of time? I believe life is a gift from God, and I’ll take each day and cherish the moment. He is the reason for every good thing, every heartbeat, and every second chance.

Age … aging … ageless …?

I’ll take ageless!

I may not know what tomorrow holds, but I know Who holds my tomorrow.

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Filed under Aging, Birthday

Tagged as aging, birthday, maturing, Musing, Psalms 90:12, reminiscing, time

August 13, 2015 · 5:23 AM

Garment of Praise

Photo Source: unknown

What exactly is “praise”?

There are many definitions of praise – I will focus on one.

Definition of Praise: The offering of grateful homage in words or song, as an act of worship: a hymn of praise to God.

When I was new in my walk with the Lord, I commonly heard the term “sacrificial praise.” I was like: Who feels like giving praise when you’re going through hardships and struggles?

However, I have learned that doing just this very thing can unlock a significant amount of the weight and heaviness of one’s heart. This was a massive breakthrough for me, and I imagine it can be for you as well.

We don’t praise God for the trials; we praise Him because He is faithful to see us through them. How? That’s His business! Our business is to trust and rely on Him.

You’ll begin to focus more clearly, see more distinctly, and think more sharply.

So praise God during your struggles.

Praise Him with your tears.

Praise Him in the night seasons.

Praise Him through your fears.

Praise Him in the midst of confusion.

Praise Him in your mess.

Praise Him with all your questions.

Praise Him on your quest.

If on a mountain peak,

Or down in the dump;

Even if things look bleak,

or stuck in a slump.

Your load will soon feel lighter.

Your heart slightly fuller.

Your mind a little sharper.

Your steps a tad bit quicker.

Then you’ll praise Him that the fog has lifted,

Praise Him, the pain has eased,

Praise Him for the circumstances shifted,

Praise Him that the gloom has ceased.

Lift your hands in surrender to Him. For the spirit of heaviness, put on that Garment of Praise!

If you don’t know my pain, you’ll never understand my praise.

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Filed under Devotion, encouragement

Tagged as devotional, encouragement, grateful, Isaiah 61:3, long suffering, Musing, Plumb, praise, sacrificial praise, worship

August 6, 2015 · 5:44 AM

Oil of Joy

What exactly is joy?

I’ve heard it said, “The world didn’t give it to you and the world can’t take it away.”

Joy: a feeling of great pleasure and happiness. At least that’s what I read online. Sounds good to me, but I know from experience that pleasure and happiness don’t last. Let’s face it, most of us look to others to please us. We often look to others to make us happy, just as we look to things to bring us pleasure and happiness. But if we’re honest, that in itself is fleeting, isn’t it? Before you know it, we’re needing another fix!

So, how is “joy” different?

The Bible teaches that the joy of the Lord is our strength. (Nehemiah 8:10b); I love that! But can one experience joy while going through everyday life with its many toils, twists, and turns? To be honest, during times of trauma, the thought of joy escapes me. I mean, I am not necessarily thinking about joy during these times.

So, when I read my Bible and am reminded that the joy of the Lord is my strength, this is what it means to me: it’s a joy unspeakable and full of glory!

I may not be able to explain it, put my finger on it, or even see it. But I know it’s there – I know it in my knower. (Bear with me, please, I’m fully aware this isn’t “correct” English.) But I just know that I know. It’s not an “in your face” kind of thing. It’s not necessarily giddiness. It’s not even a denial of difficulties. For me, it’s a reassurance that everything will be all right. I may not understand some things, even while having a meltdown, feeling sad, or grieving.

The pain is real. The battle is real. But so is the joy real. This joy is indescribable knowing that, come hell or high water, I am safe and secure in my Heavenly Father’s arms (just like when I was a child in my earthly daddy’s arms). Even in pain and sorrow, here is where there’s strength and comfort. This joy floods the heart, it brings inner peace and stability, even though everything else around may be chaotic.

I didn’t always know this or believe this way. However, through my experiences, I’ve learned a few things. Life happens. Happiness is fleeting. Pleasure is temporary. But the joy of the Lord remains constant regardless of circumstances and situations.

Joy is the best makeup – Anne Lamott

Excuse me while I put on some makeup.

Have you experienced this joy?

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Filed under Devotional, Isaiah 61:3

Tagged as Anne Lamott, belief, Christian, comfort, devotion, Faith, hope, inner strength, Isaiah 61:3, joy, Musing

July 29, 2015 · 1:00 AM

UnMasked

Photo Credit: justposhmasks.com

All through my life, I’ve dealt with feelings of low self-esteem and self-worth. I felt undone, incomplete, or insignificant. Along the way, I realized this stemmed from my childhood. I did not ask for it. I certainly did not want it. But with an undeniably painful past and a seemingly questionable future, I muddled through life. I thought a man could save me, but he only tried to create me in his own image! I became his shadow, even worshiped the ground he walked on, subservient to his every whim. I was truly lost, with no identity, no voice, no me. Yet I held on, not wanting to lose him. This, by the way, is a perfect example of insecurity: the more easily threatened we are, the more insecure we are.

Beth Moore says, “Insecurity lives in constant terror of loss.” As I’ve mentioned before, I’ve been reading Beth Moore’s So Long, Insecurity with the subtitle You’ve Been a Bad Friend to Us. How I wish she had written this book 40 years ago! She says, “Insecurity is not only a woman’s battle.” She identifies insecurity as a “profound sense of self-doubt – a deep feeling of uncertainty about our basic worth and our place in the world. The insecure man or woman lives in constant fear of rejection and deep uncertainty about whether his or her own feelings and desires are legitimate.”

I thought about myself as a Christian, why, from time to time, do I still struggle with insecurities? Why does rejection crush me so? Why do I second-guess everything? Beth reveals an interesting point about herself in her book: “I not only lack security, I also lack faith. I don’t just doubt myself, I also doubt God about myself.

Now I don’t know about you, but that struck a chord in me!

She goes on to say how some of us never seek healing from God for our insecurities because we feel like we don’t fit the profile. But insecurity’s best cover is perfectionism. Now there’s a mask for you!

A person who has no self-worth or a low self-esteem

tends to hide behind a mask.

Note: Here’s a thought-provoking poem I came across: Don’t Be Fooled By Me

What masks are you prone to wear? Looking back, I recall hiding the pain behind my smile…

Don’t try to be somebody you’re not. No one is perfect. It’s okay to let your guard down. We will face difficult and troubling times. Just remember, God loves us just the way we are; He loves us too much to leave us that way.

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Filed under Beth Moore, insecurities, Masks

Tagged as Beth Moore, Charles C. Finn, Christianity, insecurities, personal, practical, psychology, rejection, self-doubt, struggles

Video

Beauty For Ashes

“To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that he might be glorified.”
Isaiah 61:3
(Photo Credit: forashes.org)

My devotion today is found in Isaiah 61:3. Although this passage of scripture brings me comfort, I wondered…

How can there be a smidgen of beauty amongst the rubble? Or ashes?

How is this even possible?

How do we see beauty amid suffering, hopelessness, or despair?

When I saw my baby sister lying in her small white coffin, I sure didn’t see any beauty in that.

When I noticed my mama with bruises on her body, I failed to see the beauty.

My former husband was known for his strength, vigor, and sure-footed, morphed into a sloppy drunk after one drink of alcohol being miles away from anything charming.

To see my grandpa become a prisoner in his own body, his barrel-chested physique becoming sunken and scrawny, was a far cry from what I considered beautiful.

For my eyes to caress my grandma’s features, once so robust and plump, turning thin and frail after having lost so much weight due to illness wasn’t lovely to behold.

Watching the back of my former husband after he pulled the rug from under my feet, and left me in the dust while I choked in my sobs and called out his name wasn’t a picturesque scene.

My tiny 29-day-old granddaughter, swollen from fluids in a medically induced coma after her open-heart surgery, wasn’t eye-appealing to me.

Scars are not beautiful. Neither are the hidden bruises on the body nor on the heart.

Death is not beautiful; the grieving of loved ones taken from you is never attractive. Hunger is not beautiful. Loneliness is not beautiful.

Repossession isn’t quaint. Foreclosure is far from delightful.

So, how can there be beauty for ashes?

I believe it is found in hope. Hope against hope. Hope that the imperfect will become perfect. Hope that the pain will cease. Hope that there will be a day of reckoning. Hope that the scattered pieces will rebuild. Hope for healing and relief. Hope that the light will dawn and a new day will come. Hope that this too shall come to pass. Hope in heaven. Hope that the best is yet to come. And most importantly, believing in the Blessed Hope that one day, we shall see our loved ones again who have crossed over.

I can yell it now from the mountaintop: Thank you, Lord, for turning my life’s ugliness into a thing of beauty!