Tag Archives: recovery

And Then Came Monday

Some weeks seem to pile one thing on top of another. Last week was one of those weeks. It wasn’t one big thing, but a string of appointments that made it feel as though my body was keeping a calendar of its own, each one testing my limits.

Tuesday, I returned to my vascular doctor to begin another round of painful treatment for my legs. I knew what to expect, but knowing something is going to hurt doesn’t make it hurt any less.

Thursday was supposed to be simpler. I left work early for about four hours of dental work, or so I thought. It took six and a half hours in that chair, and I still have to go back.

By Friday, I was already running on empty, and that’s when I had an appointment with my urologist during my lunch break for yet another procedure, this one agonizing. When it was over, I learned that eventually, I was going to need surgery.

I was supposed to spend the entire weekend visiting with my great-granddaughter. But by Friday, I was in too much pain and discomfort to manage the whole weekend, so I ended up spending Saturday night instead. I was worn out by the time I left, but I was so glad I went. Some moments are worth the tiredness and discomfort.

By the end of the week, I was worn down in a way that’s hard to explain. I remember thinking, Okay, Lord. How much more? Somewhere in there, I had surrendered to it all. Not because I liked any of it or wanted it, but because it was simply what was in front of me.

Then.

Came.

Monday.

At 1:30 that morning, my husband woke me from a deep sleep. We didn’t know what was happening at first, only that something was wrong. We ended up in the ER, where doctors confirmed that he had suffered a heart attack.

Everything else got small in an instant. The treatments, the hours in the dental chair, the dreaded procedure, my surgery waiting somewhere ahead, all of it paled in comparison to the fear of losing him.

After they took my husband back for more tests and a medical heart procedure, I waited alone for an update, praying. When the nurse finally came out, she was holding his wedding band.

“Your husband had a full-blown heart attack.”

Then she handed me his ring.

His wedding ring!

A wave of dread washed over me. For a moment, I forgot to breathe.

She explained that the cardiologist had found a significant blockage in a major artery and inserted a stent. The procedure was successful, and after a stay in the ICU, he was moved into a regular room for observation.

Thank God. My husband made it through. I can’t tell you the relief I felt when I knew he was going to be okay.

Maybe there’s a lesson in a week like this one. We look at everything piling up and think, I can’t take one more thing. But maybe the point was never to be strong enough to handle it all. Maybe it’s simpler than that: remembering Who is carrying me through it, because we were never meant to carry everything by ourselves.

There’s still more ahead of me. Treatments to finish. Dental work still unresolved. A surgery waiting somewhere down the road. And now my husband has his own recovery to walk through.

Maybe we can be bent by what life brings without being broken by it.

But today, I’m choosing gratitude, not because everything is suddenly okay. It isn’t. I’m choosing gratitude because in the middle of a week that seemed determined to knock me down, God kept showing up anyway. In the doctor’s office. In the dental chair. In that agonizing procedure. And when my husband needed Him most.

“God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.” — Psalm 46:1

I’m deeply grateful to everyone who prayed for us that week. I felt them. I truly did. I’m also thankful for those who were able to visit him. There is something comforting about knowing people are lifting you and the people you love before God, especially when you don’t know what the next day will bring.

So much of tomorrow is still unknown. But as I look back on that week, I’m reminded of what I do know. My husband is here. He’s recovering. And I can breathe a little easier.

And for today, that’s enough.

Mi amor. Also known as “Papa Bear” to our 3-year-old great-granddaughter.

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Filed under Faith, Life & Family

Understanding Co-dependency: A Path to Healing

Co-dependent. Such a complex word.

Have you ever looked back and realized how wrong you were while trying so hard to do the right thing?

My former husband was deeply in love with himself. His needs, desires, and wants came before everything else. I believed that if I made him happy—if I did everything he wanted—peace would follow. I thought agreeing with every opinion and fulfilling every wish was the price of sanity. I gave in to keep the peace, hoping that surrender would soften him. Maybe then he would be tender. Maybe then he would love me. Surely, I thought, he would choose me over his endless need for others: his hobbies, his friends, his conquests.

But I was only deceiving myself.

I received no respect, and the mistreatment never stopped. Quietly, resentment grew, yet not enough for me to change my behavior. By tolerating the offenses, I was granting permission for them to continue. It felt as though I had signed away my rights, and my life. Slowly, I was disappearing. I felt unloved and undone, stripped of self-esteem and self-worth. I was lonelier with him than without him. Still, I wanted him. I craved his approval and acceptance. I lived in fear of him and equally in fear of losing him.

We often believe peace will come if we can control our environment. In truth, serenity is usually nowhere near that path. What we gain instead is a fragile, false peace, one that never lasts and always comes at a cost.

I’m not a psychologist or a psychiatrist, but I’ve come to understand that there is another side to this spectrum. Sometimes, a person loves so deeply that they give everything of themselves. Over time, that love can become smothering, stunting the other person’s ability to care for themselves. The loved one becomes dependent emotionally and psychologically, incapable of growing, making sound decisions, or maturing. Trauma lingers, and emotional immaturity takes root.

I saw this pattern with my mother. From childhood, Mama was introverted and painfully shy. Grandma loved her fiercely and felt sorry for her, often overcompensating by doing everything for her. As a result, Mama grew accustomed to others taking care of her. When I was young, I stepped into that role myself. I tried to protect her in every way I could. Often, my help wasn’t needed or asked for. She, in turn, leaned on her significant others to meet that same need.

Codependency is a vicious cycle. Left unaddressed, it festers like a chronic wound. In relationships unwilling to heal, both people struggle with low self-worth. Boundaries are weak or nonexistent. Control and manipulation replace trust, and love becomes entangled with fear.

Have you ever cared so much for someone else that you lost sight of yourself?

dysfunctional-Glue

Here are some examples of what it means to be co-dependent:

• The need to be needed
• People-pleasing• Trying to control others (aggressively or passively)
• Focusing on helping others before working on your own issues
• Being consumed with other people’s problems
• Rescuing
• Self-doubt
• Unclear boundaries in friendships and relationships
• The tendency to date (or marry) alcoholics or addicts
• Perfectionism
• Workaholism (or always being busy)
• Exhaustion

Let’s break the cycle!

Your turn. What does codependency mean to you?

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Filed under Behavior, Co-dependent, Relationships

When it Hurts to No End

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“I haven’t thought about suicide in a long time. I’m thinking about it now. I feel very dumb. I feel like a midget in a world full of giants. Giant successful CEOs, athletes that think quick on their feet, good-looking men and woman who have the gift of conversation and looking good while doing it. I am a midget, and I can barely make a sentence sound intelligent. I am short with no special talents that will make me any money. When I am in complete despair with not a single positive springing care, I choose to end it. I don’t think it is selfish. Depression is a pain unlike any other. It’s like a black hole in the middle of your body, slowly sucking in your body parts from the inside out. Eventually, your chest and your abdomen hurt like there’s nothing in there.  I imagine an open casket viewing …”

“Not much makeup, but I want to blush so I look alive. I haven’t looked ‘alive’ for some time. My blonde curls pinned up with little white flowers sprinkled about them. My three favorite rings. Minimal jewelry, as I have always been. I have a bouquet of flowers in my closed hands. Big beautiful calla lilies, white mums, and miniature white roses. I love green plants more than flowers, so there are eucalyptus and ferns within the flowers, and there are multiple trailing vines flowing out of the bouquet. I am in a sweet little girl’s white dress with eyelet embellishments. The dress has cap sleeves and a boat neck. The skirt ends just above my ankles, showing my tattoos. I am barefoot with no toenail polish. I love to be barefoot and feel I should go that way. Hardly any makeup, very little jewelry, and no shoes. That is me, and that is the way I want to go. Where I can finally rest and the hurt ends.”

(The above message was printed with permission by a family member.)

Note: I am saddened to say, the above message was sent a week before a beautiful soul fatally chose to end her life. She leaves behind family members: a loving and grieving mother, father, sister, brother, grandparents, aunts, uncles, nephews, cousins, and a devoted boyfriend who had found her on that tragic day. All are left with unanswered questions, blame, guilt, and deep sorrow. As I pray for this entire family, I am heartbroken. As a mother myself, this sadness knows no bounds.

September was National Suicide Prevention Month. Not all disabilities are visible. Why do most of us suffer in silence? Having suicidal thoughts does not mean someone is weak or flawed. We all have meltdown periods. I’m sure we’ve all felt hopeless before, and we all know what it’s like to walk under a dark cloud – it can happen to anyone, regardless of age, gender, race, or social status.

Please be mindful of those around you. Don’t take your loved ones for granted. Will you reach out to those you hold dear? Will you let them know that they are loved and that you appreciate them in your lives? Hold on to the moment. Some no longer have that privilege.

https://www.drugrehab.com/guides/suicide-risks/

© M.A. Pérez 2015, All Rights Reserved

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Filed under Suicide Awareness, Suicide Prevention