“I haven’t thought about suicide in a long time. I’m thinking about it now. I feel very dumb. I feel like a midget in a world full of giants. Giant successful CEOs, athletes that think quick on their feet, good looking men and woman who have the gift of conversation and looking good while doing it. I am a midget, I can barely make a sentence sound intelligent. I am short with no special talents that will make me any money. When I am in complete despair with not a single positive springing care I chose to end it. I don’t think it is selfish. Depression is a pain unlike any other. It’s like a black hole in the middle of your body, slowly sucking in your body parts from the inside out. Eventually your chest and your abdomen hurt like there’s nothing in there. I imagine an open casket viewing …”
“Not much make up but I want blush so I look alive. I haven’t looked ‘alive’ for some time. My blonde curls pinned up with little white flowers sprinkled about them. My three favorite rings. Minimal jewelry as I have always been. I have a bouquet of flowers in my closed hands. Big beautiful callalillies, white mums and miniature white roses. I love green plants more than flowers so there is eucalyptus and ferns within the flowers and there are multiple trailing vines flowing out of the bouquet. I am in a sweet little girls white dress with eyelet embellishments. The dress has cap sleeves and a boat neck. The skirt ends just above my ankles showing my tattoos. I am barefoot with no toe nail polish. I love to be bare foot and feel I should go that way. Hardly any make up, very little jewelry and no shoes. That is me and that is the way I want to go. Where I can finally rest and the hurt ends.”
(The above message was printed with permission by family member)
Note: I am sadden to say, the above message was sent a week before a beautiful soul fatally chose to end her life. She leaves behind family members: a loving and grieving mother, father, sister, brother, grandparents, aunts, uncles, nephews, cousins, and a devoted boyfriend who had found her on that tragic day. All are left with unanswered questions, blame, guilt, and of course, deep sorrow. As I pray for this entire family, I am heartbroken. As a mother myself, this sadness knows no bounds.
September was National Suicide Prevention Month. Not all disabilities are visible. Why do most of us suffer in silence? Having suicidal thoughts does not mean someone is weak or flawed. We all have meltdown periods. I’m sure we’ve all have felt hopeless before, and we all know what it feels like to walk under a dark cloud – it can happened to anyone regardless of age, gender, race or status.
Please be mindful of those around you. Don’t take your loved ones for granted. Won’t you reach out to those you hold dear? Will you let them know that they are loved and you appreciate they’re in your lives? Hold on to the moment. Some don’t have that privilege anymore.
© M.A. Pérez 2015, All Rights Reserved