Reflections From the Heart

November 28, 2021 · 8:36 PM

Thanksgiving – 2021

Reflecting can be a good thing. Last year, on Thanksgiving Day, I remember feeling sad and a bit irritated. The reason: we were not able to have our regular holiday family gathering due to the COVID-19 pandemic restrictions. My emotions floundered all over the place. I did my best to focus on the positive. I even wrote this message to my family and friends:

To be honest, I’ve been bummed out for a couple of days. I will miss our traditional family Thanksgiving Day celebration at home. It has always filled my heart with so much joy. Instead, I must choose to focus on what I have. I will count my blessings. I give thanks and glory to God for all in my life!

Even on my worst days, He loves me! I have known Him in the valley and on the mountaintops. While I love being on the mountaintops, trudging in the valleys was where I grew closest to my Lord. I learned that the God on the mountain is still God in the valleys.

I am thankful He has given me health, provision, and shelter. He has also given me a loving husband, a beautiful family, and wonderful friends. He has made many dreams come to fruition.

I am a work in progress. Thank you, Lord, for not having given up on me. I know You’re not finished with any of us yet.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO ALL MY FAMILY AND FRIENDS!!!

“In everything give thanks, for this is the will of God for you in Christ Jesus.” 1 Thess 5:18

Jump over to the present:

I am happy to report that this Thanksgiving holiday was special in many ways. Yes, I am genuinely grateful for my loved ones. I glanced around the table as we celebrated the holiday with prayer, food, and fellowship. I caressed my eyes over each face representing my family. And I realized: Mary, you’re not alone anymore. You see, as a kid growing up, I once felt alone and rejected. In fact, I often felt insignificant, always on the outside looking in. I had many insecurities and felt much like a second-class citizen. It took many years into my adulthood to experience inner healing. I finally received a breakthrough in my personal life. I decided to put my story to pen and paper. Then I published my book, “Running in Heels: A Memoir of Grit and Grace.”

Thanks to my youngest daughter’s prompting, we did something different this year. We each held a strip of paper with questions, taking turns reading aloud and then answering the questions. This was epic because the questions prompted us to dig deep and share heartfelt answers.

As I listened to the different ones share, I felt immense gratitude. My heart was full upon hearing my children speak over me. I wasn’t prepared for this raw reaction, nor was I prepared for what I would say when my turn came. I found that I could share my heart with thankfulness and humility. I blessed each of my children and grandchildren, expressing to them what I appreciated about them. I blessed my husband for being the man that he is. I also blessed him for accepting somebody else’s children. He stepped up to the plate, another man left on the table. And finally, I turned to my mama. I expressed my undying love for her. Our relationship is complex, regardless. I also asked her for forgiveness for getting short-tempered with her. I assured her that I will always be her little girl.

We are all flawed, but we can rise above stinking thinking and look beyond ourselves. Look at others, really see them, and love them. I thank the Lord for making all things new—His mercies are new every morning!

Thanksgiving 2021
“Family is the best thing you can ever wish for. They are there for you during the ups and downs and love you no matter what.”
“A mother is she who can take the place of all others but whose place no one else can take.”
“The best time for new beginnings is now. Thank you Lord, for new beginnings.”
“Let’s be thankful together. Other things may change us, but we start and end with the family.”
“So, there is this boy he kinda stole my heart- he calls me ‘Mimi.'”
“Granddaughters are angels sent from above to fill our hearts with never ending love.”
“Always remember whose daughter you are. Stand tall and straighten your crown.”
“Happy Birthday to my beautiful eldest daughter, more like a sister to me.”
“Thank you, Lord, for Your bountiful blessings.”

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Filed under Reflections From the Heart, Thankfulness, Thanksgiving

Tagged as blessings, encouragement, Family, grateful, gratitude, humility, I Thess 5:18, life, memoir, personal, Psm 136:1, Thanksgiving Day

October 10, 2021 · 5:03 PM

The Birthday Gal

Celebrating the woman who gave birth to me. A mother and daughter’s relationship can be a complicated one. It’s true, we’ve been through some rough and challenging seasons throughout the years! I don’t doubt there will be even more challenges that lie ahead! But I loved her as a little girl then, and I love her as a woman now. If you want to know more, read the book, https://www.amazon.com/Running-Heels-Memoir-Grit-Grace/dp/1944952039.

To Mama: Always and forever I’ll be your little girl, and nothing will ever change that. Happy Birthday, Mama! xoxoxoxo

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Filed under Mama's Birthday

Tagged as Family, forgiveness, Mama's Birthday, mother-daughter, personal

September 21, 2021 · 8:42 AM

Always On My Mind

I remember first holding you, so tiny in my arms.
Next thing I knew, you turned two, angelic, like a charm.
Your silhouette dancing in my dreams before my eyes –
Remembering your joy with my simple lullabies.

I imagine your eyes, your voice, your laughter,
Spending time together, nothing else mattered.
Thinking about you often before crawling into bed at night,
I loved you so much that I never wanted you out of my sight.

I wish you could tell me what’s on your mind today.

What are the things you’re longing to say?
Would you have married a wonderful husband?
Live in a castle and have many children?

Oh, if only, if only, I could see you now,
I would run to you, hold you tight, and twirl you around!

Oh, sister, there will always be a hole in my heart,
But I guess I knew that from the start.
If I still had you now to talk with, share secrets with, laugh, and cry
I would not be here now thinking: Why? Why did you have to die?

Dear Readers:

As we approach the anniversary of my baby sister’s life and death, what I have shared is very dear and personal to my heart. As my eyes mist with tears, I still feel my heart burn heavily from missing her! But please understand that I do NOT “blame” God for my sister’s death! Our God is Sovereign, and I believe He allows certain things to happen to us for His greater plan and purpose. (Isa. 57: 1). After all, His ways are higher than our ways.

Now, I’m not by any means a theologian, a preacher, or a Bible teacher. I’m just a layman, a simple woman of faith, with a finite mind trying to serve an Infinite God. I know it rains on the just and unjust (Matt. 5:45); bad things happen to good people.

If I am to be honest, I don’t always understand the mind of God. Howbeit, I purpose in my heart to trust Him! And if I am to be truthful, yes, to this day my heart does have a few unanswered questions. Occasionally, in my life journey, I have meltdowns, wallow in self-pity, and find myself clouded by doubts and fears. However, because of His steadfast love and unfathomable mercy for me, I thank God I don’t have to remain in that state of mind!

You see, I am a work in progress.

In memory of my sister, who prematurely passed away 53 years ago, at the hands of a hit-and-run driver. (To learn more of her story, click here.) She would have been ten years older than my firstborn daughter! I had to say goodbye to my little sister when I was nine, just a month after she turned two. I remember so much pain and suffering as a child back then. In retrospect, I believe God may have spared her from something worse.
I look forward to the Blessed Hope that someday we will be reunited and once again embrace one another. She will not return to me, but I will go to her one day (II Sam 12:23). And we will NEVER have to be apart.

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Filed under Bereavement, Personal

Tagged as baby loss, death, Faith, Family, hit-and-run, hope, life, Loss of a Loved One, Matthew 5:45, memoir, mourn, Poetry, sibling loss

September 11, 2021 · 9:47 AM

I Remember

By 2001, I had worked for two years for a reputable high-end carpet cleaning company. I started out as a receptionist and was then promoted to inside sales. I sported around in a Jeep Grand Cherokee, and I’d been married for seven wonderful years. Mark had become a devoted Christian, and we attended church as a close-knit family. In April, we purchased our home in Fort Bend County, southwest of Houston. Five months later, while driving to work, my tranquil life was interrupted by distress and unexpected terror.

On September 11^th, around 7:50 in the morning, I heard on the radio that a plane had crashed into the World Trade Center in New York. As soon as I arrived at the office, I flicked on the TV to see the live broadcast of a massive hole in one tower caused by the plane’s impact. Co-workers gathered around, and we couldn’t peel our eyes away from the screen. Black smoke billowed out of the building, soon engulfed by flames.

We heard what we didn’t want to hear and continued to see unbelievable images that will forever be etched in our minds. My heart plummeted as I saw a second plane hit the other tower. Buildings collapsed minutes later and we all gasped in horror knowing that hundreds—thousands—lost their lives.

That night, President Bush spoke powerful words: “Freedom itself was attacked this morning by a faceless coward, and freedom will be defended.”

Freedom isn’t free, I thought, and freedom is worth any cost.

I remember. Do you?

Your turn:

What is your memory of that fateful day?

Words Softly Spoken

Fail!

Let’s face it. I fail!

Not just sometimes, but a lot more than I care to admit.

I am not a soft-spoken person. I don’t know how to be, nor have I ever been. Matter of fact, I specifically recall several years ago. I went up for prayer because of my terrible marriage. My terrible husband constantly caused me grief and undue stress. This little prayer warrior woman looked up at me, square in the eyes. She then said, “Learn to keep your mouth shut.” It would hold you in good standing.

As I reflect, I realize that there was only one soft-spoken and genteel person in our family. That person was my maternal grandma. Mama sure wasn’t … and still isn’t. My daughters, too, all have loud voices. We spout out. When my grandson was small, he listened to us three talking up a storm. It was something we usually did. He made an observation and commented on how “extra” we were. Haha. I wish I could say it’s a Nuyorican thing. Nuyorican refers to a Puerto Rican born in New York. But I’m not so sure I can get away with that.

So, amidst the clatter and the sounding of clucking hens, I want to be still. Especially when we womenfolk get together (you should hear my aunts in the same room). In my alone and quiet time, I want to hear God’s voice.

Amid the chaos, I need His peace that surpasses all my understanding. I need His strength when I am weak. I want His guidance and wisdom to flood my soul and take over. You know how it is: Jesus, take the wheel! Help me to be the woman you have called me to be. Give me an understanding beyond my comprehension. I want my words to be seasoned with grace. May my answers be gentle and kind to others, even within my own family. In times of frustration, confusion, and ruckus, we should remember something important. God is NOT the Author of confusion. He is the Author of peace.

I don’t know about you, but I’ve been bombarded with many challenges and distractions lately. And you know what? Today is my birthday! I received a birthday card from Mama. The words on the envelope were addressed to me. They leaped out and touched me to the core of my being. I just stared at the words: To My Baby Girl … and wept. You have to know that Mama isn’t big on giving compliments or speaking platitudes. But these words spoke volumes. Our mother-daughter relationship is a complicated one. Yet here she was telling me in the best way she knew that she loved me. Yes, people, we need to count our blessings.

A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in pictures of silver.
(Proverbs 25:11).

Ok, never too old to learn, I’m still working on this!

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Tagged as amidst the chaos, Author of Peace, beyond understanding, birthday, blessings, Family, God's voice, life, personal, prayer warrior, Proverbs 25:11, soft spoken, words

July 5, 2021 · 12:57 PM

An Open Heart – Part II

(To read PART I, click here …)

Expect nothing… Just keep an open heart and an open mind.

Once in Florida, Mark and I planned to visit my dad. We also decided to drive a couple of hours to Tampa to finally see his biological son, Marshil. Mark hadn’t seen him since he was a small boy. My husband remained deep in thought, and I only imagined him full of nerves. I pretended to go along with Mark’s plan to drive to Tampa. Meanwhile, I was secretly scheming a different plan. I initially informed Marshil about our plans to be in Kissimmee during Father’s Day week. He said he planned to be there for a few days, too. He had tickets to attend a concert. I asked Marshil if he had mentioned any of this to Mark. He said no. I suggested that he keep it that way. So, together, we decided to arrange a surprise reunion for Mark.

When the big night finally arrived, the meet-up place was a nice steak joint. Mark was none the wiser. He thought it was just a date night. We were planning to head out to Tampa the next day. Later, when Mark came out of the restroom, Marshil stood right in front of him, saying hello. They embraced, and for a moment, time stood still.

Someone said: It is not flesh and blood but the heart which makes us fathers and sons.

I sat pensively, observing the mannerisms of a father and son. While listening to their conversation, I was amazed. The connection transpiring right before my eyes touched me deeply. I deeply hope and pray that these two men, so much alike, will truly reconnect. I wish they could regain some of those years gone by. Neither one has had an easy life. Many experiences are filled with pain, discouragement, and regret. Some hard lessons are in tow.

Sometime later, I asked my hubby what he had taken away from meeting Marshil. He answered, with misty eyes, “I expected nothing but hoped for the best. I really like him! And he doesn’t hate me!”

I’ve read that every man tries to live up to his father’s expectations. Alternatively, he may try to make up for his father’s mistakes. I don’t know how much of that is true. I know that these two men have strong work ethics. They are likable, lovable, and loyal. There is a little craziness in them. They have a record of being a number one, devoted stepdad.

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“You can’t go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending.” C.S. Lewis

Today, the dam was broken. The tide has turned. The waters shifted.

Only God can heal and transform hearts. While it’s true we don’t know what the future holds, I know Who holds our future. I’m giving all my concerns to God. He will work out the details of my uncertainties and troubles. He’s a lot better at holding things together than I am anyway. Thank you, Lord, for being the Author and Finisher of my faith!

Here’s to second chances and new beginnings! We look forward to spending more quality time together and expect meaningful conversations in the coming days, months, and years.

Click here to read “My Heartbeat – PART I”

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Filed under Father's Day

Tagged as biological father, biological son, breakthrough, C.S. Lewis quote, exclusive, Father & Son Reunion, Father's Day, Florida vacation, healing, surprise

June 30, 2021 · 5:11 AM

My Heartbeat – Part I

This past Father’s Day week was filled with anticipation of renewal and adventure. With the ongoing planning came lots of prayers and nerves into the unknown.

Let me explain …

As more COVID mandates about wearing masks, social distancing, etc., were lifted, people began to venture out again and travel. It was decided that my husband and I would fly to Florida for a one-week vacation. Finally, I was going to be with my dad and celebrate Father’s Day with him. I connected with my sister, who made all the meeting arrangements.

They said Daddy was in the beginning stages of dementia. My concerns were many … the main one being: will Daddy remember me? Oh, how I prayed that he would!

In Kissimmee, we met at an outdoor market. When I walked up to Daddy, the familiar twinkle in his eyes met me. Those eyes still sparkled! We hugged and kissed. Yes, he remembered me! Later, when we embraced longer, I took his beautiful face all in, and my tears started falling. He hugged me, looked me in the eye, and asked, “Why are you crying?”

I cried because I love him. I cried because God is good and granted me another tender moment with my dad, forever imprinted in my heart. I cried because I missed my daddy. I cried because he is getting older and frail, and I didn’t ever want him to forget me. I cried because we live in another state and I couldn’t always be by his side. I cried because I was grateful. I got to know him after he and my mom separated when I was 3. They divorced by the time I was 6. I cried because I knew he wouldn’t always be around for us to visit. I cried because of the dreaded impending reality of a child one day having to say goodbye to their parent. Forever.

To Everything There is a Season Ecclesiastes Saying Cricut image 0

Daddy, if you could see yourself through my eyes, you would know how special you are to me. And I am grateful for our time together.

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Tagged as Daddy, Ecclesiastes 3, elderly parent, Father's Day, fatherhood, heartfelt, puerto rican, tears

May 8, 2021 · 10:05 AM