Understanding Co-dependency: A Path to Healing

Co-dependent. Such a complex word.

Have you ever realized how wrong you were in trying to do right?

My former husband was in love with himself. His needs, desires, and wants came before all else. I thought I’d make him happy if I did everything he wanted. I believed I needed to agree with his every comment. I thought fulfilling his every wish was the only way to gain some measure of sanity. I tried making peace by letting him have his way with me. I hoped this would make him show me tenderness. Then, he’d show me love. Surely, he’d prefer me over his need for others—hobbies, friends, or conquests.

But I was merely fooling myself.

I received no respect, and he continued his ill-treatment toward me. Silently, I resented what he was doing to me, but not enough to do anything different. I was allowing the offenses. This meant I was giving him permission to continue doing me wrong. It was as if I had signed away all my rights and life. I was slowly dying inside. I felt undone and unloved, with low self-esteem and zero self-worth. I felt lonelier with him than without him. Yet I still wanted him around. I yearned for his approval and acceptance. I lived in constant fear of him. I also feared losing him.

We think we will find peace and tranquility if we can control our environment. But in reality, serenity is often miles away. You have a false sense of peace, and trust me when I say it isn’t lasting. And oh, the price it comes with!

I’m no psychologist, nor am I a psychiatrist. But, I also believe there is another side to this spectrum. Sometimes, a person can love deeply. They’ll do everything for the other. This behavior often stagnates and handicaps the loved one from taking care of themselves. That person then becomes dependent on you for their needs and outlook. They are hindered from growth and maturity in making wise decisions or choices.  They are emotionally immature and can stay psychologically traumatized.

For example, in the situation with my mom. From her childhood, Mama was an introvert and extremely shy. Grandma loved her so much that she felt sorry for her. She tended to overcompensate in trying to help Mama by doing everything for her. Mama naturally depended on others to do things for her throughout her years. Then, in my early childhood days, I looked out for Mama. I did everything I knew to do to protect her. Most of the time, my help was unwarranted. She sought and relied on her significant others to fulfill that need.

Co-dependency can be a vicious circle. If left untreated, it can fester like a chronic wound in a relationship. This is especially true in a relationship that refuses to heal. Both individuals struggle with low self-worth. They have difficulty setting boundaries, and the relationship involves control and manipulation.

Here are some examples of what it means to be co-dependent:

• The need to be needed
• People pleasing
• Trying to control others (aggressively or passively)
• Focusing on helping others before working on your own issues
• Being consumed with other people’s problems
• Rescuing
• Self-doubt
• Unclear boundaries in friendships and relationships
• The tendency to date (or marry) alcoholics or addicts
• Perfectionism
• Workaholism (or always being busy)
• Exhaustion

Let’s break the cycle!

Your turn. What does co-dependency mean to you?