Reflections From the Heart

Aside

Letting Go

http://www.flickr.com/photos/35188692@N00/76956024/

To let go doesn’t mean to stop caring,
it means that I can’t do it for someone else.

To let go is not to cut me off,
it’s the realization that I can’t control another.

To let go is not to enable,
but to allow learning from natural consequences.

To let go is to admit powerlessness,
which means the outcome is not in my hands.

To let go is not to try to change or blame another,
I can only change myself.

To let was not to care for,
but to care about.

To let go is not to fix,
but to be supportive.

To let go is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.

To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their own outcomes.

To let go is not to be protective,
it is to permit another to face reality.

To let go is not to deny but to accept.

To let go is not to nag, scold or argue,
but to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.

To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes, and cherish the moment.

To let go is not to criticize and regulate anyone,
but to try to become whatever dream I can be.

To let go is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.

To let go is to feel less and to love more.

~ Author Unknown

8 Comments

February 14, 2014 · 5:00 AM

February 8, 2014 · 12:46 AM

El Chupacabra in our Tub!

“I can draw just as good as our uncle can, or you,” Big Brother Ruben said matter-of-factly.

“No, you can’t,” I corrected.

“Can too.”

“Cannot.”

“Can—”

“¡Niños! Callense ya!” Grandma cut in. “Dis is why you two can’t be together.”

Ruben and I looked at each other, puzzled by what she meant. But this statement became the reason Ruben and I usually had to trade places during Daddy’s visitation. Because we siblings horsed around and played too “wildly” together, when our daddy would come for me to go to his house for the weekend, he’d drop Ruben off to stay with our grandparents or with Mama. This was the normal arrangement. On rare occasions, we visited together.

My brother loved to tease me to get a reaction out of me. One weekend together at Daddy’s was no exception.

“Com’on, will ya?” Ruben impatiently waved his arm as if it would fall off, standing with the bathroom door open.

Curiosity got the best of me. “Hold your horses,” I said, trying to sound like Mama.

Big Brother looked like the cat that swallowed a pigeon, a canary, or something.

“You better not be foolin’ me,” I warned.

“Don’t be so sentimental,” he said, practicing the use of big words.

“Am not.”

“Are too. And you’re never gonna guess what’s in here.”

“Can too.”

“Can not.”

“Gimme a hint.”

Ruben shook his head. “Negative.”

“Cuz, it’s gonna be nuthin’.” I stomped my foot and crossed my arms, dying to know what was inside. “You just tryin’ to trick me.”

He stood in front of the closed shower curtain and held onto it. “Ready?” Ruben asked, with eyes wide.

“Go on . . . it ain’t nuthin’.”

“It’s too . . . it’s—” With one swoop, Ruben yanked the curtain and cried, “¡El Chupacabra!”

I let out a long scream at the huge form floating in the tub.

Daddy came running out of breath. “¿Qué fue?” he demanded. “What’s wrong? What happen here? ¡Caramba! I hear you all da way outside.”

“Daddy, Ruben told me it’s ‘El Abra Ca Dabra, the goat sucker,’” I whined, mispronouncing the word.

“¿Qué? ¡Oye! What s’matter wit you?” Daddy demanded in his accent. “Why can’t you play nice? You dun do dat to your sister.” He popped Ruben on the head with his hand.

My brother flinched but kept grinning at me, mouthing the words, “boba,” before he disappeared.

“Mija, you know what dis is?” Daddy asked, holding me by my shoulder.

“It’s a pink, dead pig!” I screeched. “Why is he in the tub of water?”

“Gloria is goin’ to make pernil. We gonna eat him.”

“Roasted pig? No, Daddy, that’s yucky.”

“Whachu talkin’ ‘bout? I betchu never had it before,” he said, closing the shower curtain. “You’ll see,” he winked, taking my hand. “It’s gonna be so good.”

If my daddy said something, he was usually right.

It was yummy.

(Excerpt from Running in Heels – A Memoir of Grit and Grace)

Note: Featured in La Respuesta online Magazine, Feb-Mar 2014 Art & Literature section http://larespuestamedia.com/chupacabra-in-the-tub/

6 Comments

Filed under El Chupacabra, Memoir

Tagged as Boricua, Chupacabra, Culture, Family, memoir, sibling rivalry, sibling teasing

January 30, 2014 · 9:17 PM

French Toast

A neighbor, a hefty woman with floppy arms, lived alone and liked children. Whenever I stopped in for a visit, she’d have a treat to offer me. She handed me a large chocolate Easter bunny once and then asked what I wanted for breakfast.

“French toast!” I sang, bouncing up and down. The neighbor put on an apron and shooed me out of her kitchen with her jiggling arms.

In the dining room, I sat on a chair with my legs swinging. I got up to stretch. I walked around and traced my hand over a flower arrangement, almost knocking the vase over. My eye caught a candy dish that sat in the center . . .

“Don’t you touch anything,” the neighbor called from the kitchen.

“I’m not,” I replied and returned the purple jellybean that I had licked.

A black cat-shaped clock hung on the wall. I followed the big, moving eyes and long, swinging tail—back and forth, back and forth, tick-tock, tick-tock. I gazed across dusty photo frames that filled the shelves and windowsills, wondering if any of them were of her as a child. I wanted to thumb through her assortment of worn-out picture books and Life magazines stacked on bookshelves and the floor. But I didn’t dare.

The aroma coming from the kitchen made my stomach rumble. I heard her pounding footsteps and raced to sit back down. The neighbor put a plate in front of me, stacked with golden-brown French toast. She poured warm maple syrup over the fluffy slices of sweet bread. I knew I had never smelled or tasted anything so delicious. My one regret is eating too fast and becoming full too quickly. Then I watched, horrified, as she collected my plate and tossed the rest into the trash. I would have brought the rest home to share with Mama and eat later.

(An excerpt from Running in Heels – A Memoir of Grit and Grace)

12 Comments

Filed under Food, Memoir

Tagged as childhood, memoir, personal

Aside

Looking Back – My Reasons for Writing

One of my cousins from across the miles posed a couple of great questions, giving me food for thought. He asked:

Why do you write? And why do you write about the family?

My answer to him:

First of all, I write because I know I have a story to tell. As a kid, eventually, I discovered we were dirt poor. Looking back on my teens, I realize that I was neglected and forced to grow up too quickly. I was ashamed of my childhood and bitter for being my mama’s mother. As I “matured,” settled down, married, and had children of my own, along the way, I found I was a stronger person because of some of the things that I endured as a child. Once I embraced the God of my grandparents, I became a much better person as well. NOT that I had it all together; I still had a few things to learn. But I learned that it was much better to let go of the bitterness and forgive than to hold onto the junk. I also learned that I didn’t have to be a product of my environment! I could rise above the ashes like a phoenix and become so much better. That was my freedom — still is — and God has called us to liberty, not to be in prison. Yes, I made some mistakes along the way, but I also learned from them. It starts with a made-up mind! While I’ve managed to confront my past, I believe it hasn’t spoiled me, but has instead prepared me for the future. I may not be perfect, but whenever I stumble, I can wipe the crud off and walk on. I share my story that I might help one person, and if I have done that, then I have done a good thing, and God gets the glory.

I mention family because the little girl growing up — although she may have felt like she was all alone most of the time — was not an orphan and did not live on an island unto herself. There were others around who helped to nurture her in one fashion or another, even the antagonists in her story. And yes, some were heroes. She cannot tell her story without mentioning those she looked up to. To be truthful, she had to address some honest and raw emotions and mention the flaws — the good, the bad, and the ugly.

The story is not fiction. It is written about how she recalls the events that shaped her life as a child, a teenager, and into her adulthood. Not all the memories take her to a happy place. She has had to dig deep to find them. To some, those “happy” places may be simple and insignificant, but to her, they were her lifeline.

His response:

I am keeping this as a reminder of what it takes to be selfless.

Thanks

I did not expect THAT answer 🙂

What I Took Away and Then Some

I’m stepping out of my comfort zone here. I usually refrain from writing about politics, war, or conflicts between nations, states, or parties. But seeing Lone Survivor moved me so much that I feel compelled to share what I took away after watching the movie in tears with my husband and someone else (who has asked to remain anonymous).

The theater audience was silent during the entire show. The movie was tense, almost unbearable, while I squirmed and gasped, holding my husband’s hand tightly. These Navy SEALs were brave men, tough men, and man’s men. They lived hard, fought hard, and died hard. We can infer from the title that only one of these men lived to tell his incredible story. However, here’s what I took away.

At the end, as I watched the credits and some actual footage of these men, a stark reality hit me. The video featured segments of these real men interacting, laughing, and sharing tender moments. They wed, danced with their bride, and held their newborn. I witnessed a new bride kissing her husband over and over with crumbs of wedding cake on her face, mingled with tears streaming down. At that moment, she is living her dream.

These soldiers who died were someone’s son, brother, uncle, boyfriend, fiancé, husband, and father. I wondered about the women left behind and suffering in silence. We don’t hear much about them: Left behind is the torn heart of a woman who loved a soldier. Her heart aches and bleeds, paying the price of loving someone whom she has had to share with strangers while he fought for their country. I pray she finds comfort and strength knowing that her courageous soldier didn’t die in vain.

And lastly, while walking to our cars, the one who had joined us to watch Lone Survivor with tears in his own eyes said, “I learned a hard lesson tonight. I would’ve killed the goat herders originally. And then, when I saw what the man and the boy did for Marcus — even though it put their lives and the villages in jeopardy — I was convicted. It wasn’t an easy thing. But they did the right thing.”

And those very words moved me more than anything …

12 Comments

Filed under Lone Survivor, movie

Tagged as bravery, brotherhood, courage, heroisim, life's lesson, Lone Survivor movie, loss loved ones, Navy Seals, soilders

Aside

“Tout de Suite!”

Through half-drawn curtains, I watched the other children at play, chasing one another in a circle, chanting, “Duck. Duck. Goose!”

Humpty-Dumpty, the daycare where Daddy dropped us off that morning, operated on a strict schedule. I knew I didn’t belong there. At lunchtime, they made me sit in the dimly lit kitchen to finish the tough, chewy meat on my plate while the others went out for recess. Just as I finished cleaning my plate, they announced, “Lights out.” I hated nap times, too.

By the time I was three, my parents had already been separated. My brother, Ruben, lived with Daddy, while I stayed with Mama. Daddy had started coming for me, but on one visit, he said I could stay and didn’t need to go back. I was perfectly happy. I didn’t know that Mama never agreed to him keeping me. Early one morning, determined to know where he took Ruben and me before he headed for work, Mama hunkered down inside a taxi and followed him to the daycare.

Later, parents came to collect their children. While my brother and I waited for Daddy, we played on the swings. That’s when the clunking sound of an engine caught our attention. We weren’t expecting them, but Mama and her boyfriend, Jimmy—my new stepdad—drove up in a gray jalopy. Mama stuck her head out the window and waved us on.

“Tout de suite!” My mama shouted in the single French phrase that she knew, her arm pumping for us to hurry.

Trained to move fast whenever we heard the phrase, we bolted in their direction.

Jimmy yelled at Mama, “Stay in the car, Ruthie. I’ll get ‘em.”

Jimmy hoisted Ruben over the massive stonewall and dropped him down the other side. Then he grabbed me by the arm and lifted me before sprinting toward that old heap. We clambered in and sped off. I glanced back to see the daycare worker running after us, screaming. Mama and Jimmy, cackling with glee, celebrated their successful kidnapping scheme. A strong odor of beer permeated the air inside the car.

I looked over at my brother, pretending to be brave but wide-eyed. I glanced down and noticed my scraped knees. A lump lodged in my throat, and a tear escaped my eyes as I thought, “What will Daddy think when he comes for us?”

(Intro to Running in Heels – A Memoir of Grit and Grace)

14 Comments

January 9, 2014 · 10:22 PM

Aside

Circle of Life

Once upon a time, there lived a lonely girl. Intimately acquainted with an empty stomach, she carried hunger in her heart, starving for love.

Despite her destitute and inner turmoil, she grew up and broke away in search of love. Eventually, she’d marry and have a family of her own, never dreaming of how they’d fill the void in her heart.

In the circle of life, her little ones grew to have little ones of their own.

She felt young at heart again and couldn’t imagine life without them.

And the not-so-little girl wasn’t lonely anymore.

The end.

10 Comments

December 30, 2013 · 9:29 PM

Quote

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas to all – from our heart to yours.

2 Comments

December 24, 2013 · 11:28 PM

December 19, 2013 · 10:17 PM

Farewell …

If I didn’t know better, I’d think he was peacefully napping.

In the hospital, time stood still as I gazed down at the man who had fought his demons since I’d known him. Vivid memories of our fifteen years of marriage before it ended many years ago churned in my mind’s eye: his dimpled smile, lilting voice, broad shoulders, bow-legged stance, the shuffling of his feet when he walked, his unselfish generosity. Recurring thoughts raced through my mind of all the what-ifs. At that moment, nothing else mattered. I remembered the good, not the bad, his strengths, rather than his weaknesses, and his triumphs, rather than his failures.

Anna Marie barged into the room, rushing to his side as if to wake him from sleep. “Dad! Dad!” she shouted, shaking him. “Dad!”

“Anna,” I spoke sharply and held her hand still. I softened my tone, “He’s gone.”

“But why, Mom? Why…?”

“Anna, I don’t know. It was his time; he was ready to go. He never wanted to grow old, become a burden…” My voice trailed off. I recalled what he had said, how he wouldn’t live past sixty, as if sixty was old, too old, and he never wanted to get “like that.” How soon the years pass.

“No, Mom!” Anna Marie shook her head in disbelief, her face red. “Not yet!” she sobbed.

I held her tight and cried with her.

Soon, the others arrived. We gathered around. My baby girl, Angela, was nine months pregnant with her first child and due to give birth any day. Naturally, I was concerned for her well-being. But when she gently placed Donny’s immobile hand over her swollen belly, I broke down.

As always, Mark — my husband of eight years — was there by my side to comfort me.

(A short excerpt from Running in Heels – A Memoir of Grit and Grace)

Note: Eleven years ago today, the father of my children sadly passed away. It was just six days before Christmas. Ten days after bidding him farewell, the cycle of life continued as we celebrated the birth of our grandson.

I am reminded of this passage of scripture: “To everything, there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven: a time to be born and a time to die …” Ecclesiastes 3:1,2

9 Comments

Filed under death, Memoir

Tagged as death, fairwell, grieving, life and death, memoir, personal

December 11, 2013 · 10:36 PM

Through the Eyes of a Child

I’m ready!

So for my post this week, I celebrate my granddaughter, Grace, turning seven years old. She is a miracle, a bundle of pure joy with a remarkable outlook on life. She can make my husband’s heart melt and she still makes mine skip. Her bubbling personality and radiant smile beam brightly. She teaches us about life, and we celebrate the beauty of living through her eyes.

My birthday gift to Grace was taking her to see the Nutcracker Ballet Show. Now, I’m not much for heights, but our seats were in the nosebleed section. As I white-knuckled the guardrails and gingerly walked down each narrow step, fighting vertigo, Grace didn’t have that problem as she bounced along ahead to our seats.

With every squeal, giggle, and clap, watching the show through the eyes of a child is magical in itself. But for those who don’t realize just how much of a magical moment spending time with Grace is, you will need to go here – Amazing Grace

This was indeed a special time. And I wanted to share this moment with my readers.