Reflections From the Heart

December 2006:

I kissed her sweet, velvety cheeks. When her tiny hand wrapped around my finger, she instantly wrapped around my heart. Having just witnessed the birth of my first granddaughter, I was simply ecstatic. Grace Elizabeth, just a little thing with a mop of chestnut hair and raven eyes, reminded me of the sister I lost so long ago.

Not long after, our joy was short-lived. Apprehension and a staggering wave of fear suddenly replaced excitement and joy.

Her doctor ordered x-rays, ultrasounds, RSV, EKG, blood work, and an echocardiogram. “She has three holes in her heart,” he announced. His foreign words invaded my head: “congenital heart defect . . . coarctation of the aorta . . . a ventricular septal defect . . . an arterial septal defect . . . a bicuspid aortic valve . . .”

But three words snatched my breath away: “Open-heart surgery.”

Surrounded by family, we waited. Watched. And prayed.

That night, my daughter, Angela, and I shared a couch that opened up to a bed in Grace’s room. Dreams and visions overlapped as I drifted in and out of a fitful slumber. Nurses routinely came in to check on Grace’s vital signs, administered meds, and prepared her feeding tube around the clock, interrupting sleep.

But tonight was different.

At 3 a.m., a nurse instructed all residents to remain in their rooms, keeping the doors closed. We couldn’t help but peek out of the window blinds. And we watched in horror as the mother of the infant in Room 1704 ran inside, her hand over her mouth. Soon her wails carried across the hallway from inside. Other relatives arrived and held tightly unto one another, weeping, lamenting, and grieving.

Hot tears flowed down our faces as I gazed at Angela, my baby girl, who had always dreamed of having a baby girl of her own, and grieved with her. Though she carried unspoken heaviness, she always remained strong for her household. But this was too much for any mother.

My eyes traveled and fixated upon our sick Grace. The doctors had said that Grace needed to gain weight, but she only grew weaker and tired more easily. Instead of eating, she slept during her feeding. I now watched her shallow, rapid breathing and listened to the heart monitor. Beep. Each beep reminding me of her precious life. Beep. A precious life we could lose. Beep. Fear gripped my heart. I said another prayer.

Beep, Beep, Beep. The rhythm of Grace’s heart monitor echoed louder in my head.

Come morning, more alarming reports:

“Murmur is louder.”

“Heart’s beating fast; enlarged, working too hard.”

“Surgery tomorrow.”

We waited for the day; we waited for the hour, but when the time finally came for her procedure, tomorrow seemed much too soon!

In the morning, we huddled around Grace behind a curtained room. Her daddy’s strong arms were around her mommy. Her papa’s firm grip held me up. Words failed to express our love for this precious twenty-nine-day-old child. We covered her with our tears, our kisses, and our prayers.

“Please, Lord, bring her back to me,” my daughter whispered, crying out.

In a moment, they whisked her away to prep her and lay her on the operating table, surrounded by nine surgeons. We felt helpless, but we believed in God as we prayed that He would return Grace to us alive, whole, and healthy.

After four hours in surgery, the cardiologist came to update us. “Grace’s heart is very sick,” he said, his voice low. “We didn’t realize just how sick until we saw it ourselves.”

The pendulum swung, each tick of the clock stretching time beyond belief. We sat, then paced, then sat again, as though our movements could somehow hurry fate.

A flood of questions crammed my mind: How do you silence the sobs that overtake you? How can you calm the waters and keep the dam from bursting from within the depths of your being? How do you say goodbye when someone has captured your very heart and soul?

Nine hours later, we were told, “Her heart failed when taken off bypass.”

My gut tightened. “Please, Lord.”

We gathered in a quiet room to pray. I studied the faces of each family member. The women prayed openly as they cried out to God. The men, unable to trust their voices, dare not open their mouths for fear of losing control.

After three hours, the doctor’s assistant entered and announced, “She’s made it, but she’s not out of the woods yet.”

We hugged one another. Tears of relief flow freely.

“The next forty-eight hours will be critical,” she cautioned. “You can briefly see her soon.”

Emotions are raw; I lacked the courage to see Grace lying still, motionless, and heavily sedated. “I want to see my granddaughter when her beautiful eyes are open,” I said.

Angela understood. “Mom, go home and rest,” she urged. “I’ll keep you posted.”

* Day One Post-Surgery, my daughter’s report via email:

Baby Grace remains heavily sedated, her tiny body burdened by tubes, wires, and machines, a breathing tube, a pacemaker, a catheter, and so much more. Her arms and inner thighs are bruised due to multiple attempts to locate the main artery. The sides of her head are shaven. Her face is bloated from fluids. One lung has collapsed. Mom, I’m so scared!

* Day Two Post-Surgery, another email:

No movement, still heavily sedated. I held Baby Grace’s little hand and said, “Mommy’s here.” Grace moved her head for me, and I whispered in her ear, “Mommy loves you so much.” When her eyes opened for me, my heart skipped a beat!

* Day Three Post-Surgery:

Mom, Grace is better and responding to my touch! Her swelling has gone down. They reinstalled her feeding tube today and are giving her 5cc of my breast milk per hour. She is eating now and will gain weight again.

* Day Five:

My first day seeing Grace since her surgery. Overflows of emotions bombarded every nerve in my being. Hope crashed into fear. Joy into anxiety.

I must keep it together. My legs turned to putty. My daughter took me by the hand, “It’s okay, Mom,” and led me into Grace’s room . . .

I see her! I reached down, caressed her face, and gently placed my hand over her chest. The incision was the length of my index finger.

And then her eyes! Those familiar eyes sparkled and looked at me as if to say, “See Mimi. I’m here. I’ve made it.”

Twelve Years Later:

This precious flower continues to blossom and bloom wherever she is planted. Grace is our little miracle, and she knows it! She has brought much joy to our lives, and we are grateful to God for answering our prayers.

Just when I thought I was too old to fall in love again, this precious one—whom I almost lost—first called me ‘Mimi’ at 8 months old!

Painting By Karin Best                   Pink Rose Poem ~ Author Unknown