When it Hurts to No End


“I haven’t thought about suicide in a long time. I’m thinking about it now. I feel very dumb. I feel like a midget in a world full of giants. Giant successful CEOs, athletes that think quick on their feet, good-looking men and woman who have the gift of conversation and looking good while doing it. I am a midget, I can barely make a sentence sound intelligent. I am short with no special talents that will make me any money. When I am in complete despair with not a single positive springing care I chose to end it. I don’t think it is selfish. Depression is a pain unlike any other. It’s like a black hole in the middle of your body, slowly sucking in your body parts from the inside out. Eventually, your chest and your abdomen hurt like there’s nothing in there.  I imagine an open casket viewing …”

“Not much makeup but I want to blush so I look alive. I haven’t looked ‘alive’ for some time. My blonde curls pinned up with little white flowers sprinkled about them. My three favorite rings. Minimal jewelry as I have always been. I have a bouquet of flowers in my closed hands. Big beautiful calla lilies, white mums, and miniature white roses. I love green plants more than flowers so there are eucalyptus and ferns within the flowers and there are multiple trailing vines flowing out of the bouquet. I am in a sweet little girl’s white dress with eyelet embellishments. The dress has cap sleeves and a boat neck. The skirt ends just above my ankles showing my tattoos. I am barefoot with no toenail polish. I love to be barefoot and feel I should go that way. Hardly any makeup, very little jewelry, and no shoes. That is me and that is the way I want to go. Where I can finally rest and the hurt ends.”

(The above message was printed with permission by a family member)

Note: I am saddened to say, the above message was sent a week before a beautiful soul fatally chose to end her life. She leaves behind family members: a loving and grieving mother, father, sister, brother, grandparents, aunts, uncles, nephews, cousins, and a devoted boyfriend who had found her on that tragic day. All are left with unanswered questions, blame, guilt, and of course, deep sorrow. As I pray for this entire family, I am heartbroken. As a mother myself, this sadness knows no bounds.

September was National Suicide Prevention Month. Not all disabilities are visible. Why do most of us suffer in silence? Having suicidal thoughts does not mean someone is weak or flawed. We all have meltdown periods. I’m sure we’ve all felt hopeless before, and we all know what it feels like to walk under a dark cloud – it can happen to anyone regardless of age, gender, race, or status.

Please be mindful of those around you. Don’t take your loved ones for granted. Won’t you reach out to those you hold dear? Will you let them know that they are loved and you appreciate they’re in your lives? Hold on to the moment. Some don’t have that privilege anymore.

Substance Abuse and Suicide: A Guide to Understanding the Connection and Reducing Risk

© M.A. Pérez 2015, All Rights Reserved


Filed under Suicide Awareness, Suicide Prevention

27 responses to “When it Hurts to No End

  1. Very, very sad. Plus, this happens all too often to so many people.

  2. Pat

    It’s very sad to see such a beautiful soul believe in her heart there’s nothing more to life than going straight to its ending. I pray that God receives her with open arms as a loving father and her family will be blessed remembering the beautiful days and joys of their loved one.

  3. I grieve for the family, and thank you for sharing this tragedy; it most certainly IS an almost unbelievable tragedy that really CAN strike any home and family, any circle of friends and neighborhood. I know what the “black hole” is like; I know it very well, and so I can attest to the absolute necessity of awareness, education, understanding and sensitivity… Thankfully, I DO have an extremely strong support network. Please convey my condolences to the family; they are in my prayers, as well as the gracious and beautiful young woman, who chose to end her life all-too-soon for reasons we may never fully understand. God bless you, too, and thank you again!

  4. Mary, I am so sorry hear of this loss I never understood the harshness of suicide being selfish. Feeling like there is no other alternative is so heartbreaking and I only wish that in our culture we could be more compassionate and understanding towards those who live with depression.

    • I agree, Stephanae. Depression is real not a figment of the imagination. Like I read: You’d never say, “It’s just cancer, get over it!”

      • You hit the nail on the head Mary. We have a different set of standards for physical vs mental conditions. Your example is spot on because no one would dare tell someone with a serious physical disorder to “snap out of it.”

  5. What is sad is that we have become a society that looks depression as a weakness as something that the person can just get over. As an example, I had a lovely friend that lived several states away. We kept in touch with texts and phone calls. I could tell she was dangerously depressed and did my best to get her to seek help. All she got from her family was “Get over it and Snap out of it” She did take her life and I miss her a lot. My point is we need to be a society that loves each other enough to help and support those with that deep saddness that can grab out and not let go.

  6. Thanks for sharing this. It is something everyone needs to know. 🙂 ❤

  7. So hard…she had an obvious gift of words. I know the black hole myself, and understand the sentiments she speaks of. It always makes me sad when I hear of someone succumbing to the darkness, and it makes me grateful for each moment with my own loved ones. We can’t take a day for granted, can we? So sorry for all of you…I pray for an extra measure of grace and peace for you today.

  8. Heart-breaking story. Thank-you for the courage to post it, and your sensitive, helpful reminders to all of us.

  9. This absolutely breaks my heart! As a survivor, myself, of an attempt on my life, I know only too well the overwhelming feeling of helplessness, despair and agony – that black hole you spoke of. ONLY GOD!!!

    Please let the family know I am keeping them in my prayers . . . and you as well, dear sister.

    • Birdie, you understand more than most what that black hole is all about! Although I never tried taking my life, once upon a time I was one thought away from it. Thanking God that we are survivors, trying to make a difference in this world.

  10. Goes to show, so many people suffer alone and in silence. What a tragic end to what sounds like a young life. Thank you for sharing. ❤

  11. Kelly

    Thanks so much for sharing this story. I know it will touch someone’s life.

  12. Oh dear, this is such a hard, sad read 😦 we should all endeavour not to take our loved ones for granted.

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