Tag Archives: loneliness

Daggers in the Heart

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Loneliness ate away at me. Insecurities consumed my mind. He came home whenever he wanted to. He expected me to ask zero questions. The more I clung to him, the more he shrugged me off like a neglected child.

On one dreary evening, in the foyer of our second-story apartment, I leaned on the window wall, glaring down at him sauntering out to another conquest. I felt like my heart had split in two.

He paused, turned, and glanced up at me, with that smirk of his. Like a proverbial slow twist of a knife lodged in me, his ominous grin cut and curdled my blood. His haughty expression loomed before my eyes, blinding me. My insides burned.

I flung my fist at him as if to punch him in the face–

Glass! Shattered into a million pieces.

A glistening shard of windowpane sliced across the tender flesh of my forearm, smearing crimson blood across my skin. My clutched fist of course never reached him and had only gone clear through the window.

He raced up the stairs and wrapped a towel around my wound, berating me for being a harebrained fool. But I didn’t balk. Even though he must have been more concerned with his own interest than in taking me to the emergency room for stitches, at least he stayed home that night.

Excerpt from Chapter 23 “Running in Heels: A Memoir of Grit and Grace”

TRANSLATION

La soledad me consumía. Las inseguridades agobiaban mi mente. Donny volvía a casa cuando quería. Él esperaba que yo no hiciera preguntas. Cuanto más me aferraba a él, más me ignoraba como si fuera una niña abandonada.

​Una noche, parada en la ventana de la entrada de nuestro apartamento de dos pisos, observé a Donny irse tranquilamente. Sentí que mi corazón se había partido en dos.

​Él se detuvo por un momento, se giró y me miró con esa sonrisa suya de satisfacción. Su siniestra sonrisa detuvo y me heló la sangre, como si él hubiese girado lentamente un cuchillo enterrado en mí. Veía su expresión altiva, y me quemaba las entrañas.

​Pegué con el puño para darle en la cara.

¡Vidrio!

​El vidrio de la ventana se destrozó en un millón de pedazos.

​Un brillante fragmento del cristal de la ventana cortó la tierna carne de mi antebrazo, manchando mi piel con sangre carmesí. Mi puño solo había atravesado la ventana.

​Donny subió corriendo las escaleras y envolvió mi herida con una toalla mientras me reprendía por hacer una tontería descabellada. No me resistí. Aunque debió estar más preocupado por el interés que tenía en irse que en llevarme a la sala de emergencias para que me tomaran puntos de sutura, al menos se quedó en casa esa noche.

Extracto de capítulo 23 “Running In Heels: A Memoir of Grit and Grace” https://a.co/d/el1zxRM

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Filed under domestic abuse, Memoir

Circle of Life

Once upon a time, there lived a lonely girl. Intimately acquainted with an empty stomach, she carried hunger in her heart, starving for love.

Despite her destitute and inner turmoil, she grew up and broke away in search of love. Eventually, she’d marry and have a family of her own, never dreaming of how they’d fill the void in her heart.

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In the circle of life, her little ones grew to have little ones of their own.

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She felt young at heart again and couldn’t imagine life without them.

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And the not-so-little girl wasn’t lonely anymore.

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The end.

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December 30, 2013 · 9:29 PM

She Was Me

Picture1Alone in my own world, I sometimes pretended to be Shirley Temple. Her dimpled smile and blonde curly locks got her noticed. I imagined if I pouted like her and smiled like her, that I’d be pretty like her. But in the bathroom mirror, a brown-eyed, freckled-faced girl peered back. She had straight dark hair and dingy clothes that hung loosely over scrawny legs. She looked plain, clumsy, and insignificant. She was me.

I didn’t know we lived below the poverty line. I knew the hunger pangs that clawed at my belly. I remember eating cold pork and beans right from the can; it tasted really good with bread. I remember surviving for a time on government surplus with tins of soft butter, brick cheese, powdered milk, and creamy peanut butter. When we had it, smearing slabs of mayo over bread was a slice of heaven.

Food was scarce. Even after Daddy started sending money to Mama, I saw little food on the table. Liquor bottles and empty beer cans reeked and saturated the air. The constant bickering between Mama and my stepdad punctuated the tensions in our rodent-infested, cockroach matchbox. I’d see those creepy-crawlers on the walls, tables, and dirty dishes on the counter. I’d hear them scratching behind the walls or running across the linoleum floor. I could even smell them. Those pests were our relentless, unwelcome guests.

(Excerpt from Running in Heels – A Memoir of Grit and Grace)

© M.A. Perez 2013, All Rights Reserved

Note: “What happened to your bangs?” I am asked this question countless times. You will have to discover the answer to that question … but not until my book is published. 😉

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December 4, 2013 · 11:52 PM